Holiday parties, dinner guests and when you talk too much
Dearest Trinity,
I hosted a party at my apartment so that my friends could meet my new boyfriend. But I messed up really bad, got really drunk, said really stupid things and ended up “making out” with an old boyfriend in front of my new boyfriend, who is now really mad! Help!
Hosting Horrors, Boston, Mass. Dearest Hosting Horrors,
Ouch! You did mess up in a big way, but nothing a little time, Tylenol and two dozen roses can’t fix. Now for your next bash, honey, let me just remind you that when hosting a party that includes your new boyfriend: a) don’t invite your old boyfriends unless they have boyfriends with them, b) don’t fight with your new boyfriend in front your company, c) don’t spend too much time away from your boyfriend, stay close by him; and d) for God’s sake, please don’t get caught drunk kissing anyone else in front of him. Better luck next time.
Dear Trinity,
I was recently at a cocktail party where I was accused of upstaging everyone. To be honest, everyone was just so boring that I ended up talking all night. I like to talk and I’m funny. Is that so bad?
Cocktail Talk, Miami, Fla. Dear Cocktail Talk,
Being the life of the party is wonderful, but sucking the life out of a party is another story. Sweetie, a great party guest always asks questions, invites others to dialogue with them and always watches out for cues for when to shut up. Sometimes when it’s all about you, you have to be all about everyone else.
Hey Trinity,
I went to my best friend’s dinner party. It was really great, but I was the only person who didn’t bring something. I apologized, but still, Trinity, when is it and isn’t it appropriate to bring something to a dinner party?
Dinner Doubts, Austin, Texas Hey Dinner Doubts,
It is always appropriate to bring something to a dinner party. You can never go wrong with a gift. Now, pumpkin, I know you’re thinking, “But what if the host says don’t bother?” Well, maybe if they insist, then and only then may you possibly get away with it but why not just bring a bottle of wine, some cookies or a thank you card anyway. Hosts of parties always remember and invite back the guests who bring something. People who don’t leave a lasting impression don’t always get a next invitation.
Dear Trinity,
I’ll be throwing my very first party as someone who is newly single. However, my ex -lover used to do everything, I just cleaned up. Now that I don’t have my ex around, I’m lost.
Single And Hosting, Chicago, Ill. Dear Single And Hosting,
Next time, before the divorce, grab your ex’s party planner instead of the cat, it can be worth a lot more. Now, darling, since it’s your first time and you want to do it right start with:
Trinity’s Uptown Tips For Hosting A Party
1. I know it’s your house, but put the sex books and toys away.
2. Serve yourself is fine, but cook yourself is unacceptable.
3. A party without background music is like a funeral with a punk band.
4. If dinner’s late, appetizers and drinks are mandatory.
5. Having to use a dirty bathroom as a guest is like having to use a rectal thermometer as a cocktail stick.
6. Potluck hosts never expect the guests to bring the main course or drinks.
7. “Does this cigarette bother you?” always means yes. All smokers — including you — go outside.
8. Women or anyone in high heel shoes always get invited to sit first.
9. A drunk and sloppy host promises an unforgettable finale to your party-hosting career.
10. And lastly, lock the humping dog(s) in the bedroom, please.
Don’t let your answers go unanswered!
— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama and now performs globally.
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