Dear Trinity,
Last year I visited a friend and thought it was great, but when I asked to visit again he said in so many words, “Only when you become a better houseguest!” What did I do wrong?
Confused Guest, Baltimore, Md.
Dear Confused Guest,
In the days of Greek mythology, the “Overnight Houseguest Rule” stated, “The host must offer not only a feast [to his guest], but sometimes also offer his son for pleasure. However, if the houseguest stayed past a night, then the houseguest must offer his host a plethora of fabrics, gems — and possibly his own son or daughter for sex or for marriage.” Similarly, today’s rule states, “If you stay one night, only expect to be treated well, but after that, expect to treat your host equally as well, especially if visiting for a week.” If you want to be the perfect houseguest, start with a gift, continue (after a day) with dinner and end (after a week) by cleaning up after yourself and a thank-you card or call. Honey, at least you don’t have to forgo your child’s virginity.
Hey Trinity,
I met a couple that wants me for a threeway. What do you think?
Three For Dinner, Panama City, Fla.
Hey Three For Dinner,
In 20 years from now there’ll be plenty of books on this subject, but for now, threeways are still taboo. However, being with a couple, as the third “without expectation” of a relationship, may not only be adventurous and exciting, but may be a happy handful. Oh, and darling, call me with their number when you’re done.
Dear Trinity,
I’m dating the most wonderful, charming and married man. He’s great and we have so much fun, but complications have risen and I’m getting scared. Help?
The Married Date, Maui, Hawaii
Dear Married Date,
Life, men and dating are all hard enough, but dating someone married can definitely be the hardest. So, sweetie, I have two questions, “What the hell did you expect?” and “What the hell do you expect?” Dating someone married always means living a “Hollywood drama” and having some “High Anxiety” (think Mel Brookes). (See the cartoon for visual evidence.)
Dearest Trinity, I can’t keep a job to save my life. Help!
Jobless, Brooklyn, N.Y.
Dearest Jobless,
Are you showing up in a smelly suit or with a kid attached to each breast? Pumpkin, learn the right ways to go to work, act at work and keep your job with:
Trinity’s Smart Tips For Keeping Your Job
1. Show up on time. Late employees always get fired.
2. Be social even if you’re not. People like working around others with whom they feel comfortable.
3. Practice a willingness to work with others. Practice camaraderie. Think conformity without conflict. Think individuality without selfishness.
4. Problems and personal projects should be kept at home. A job is a place where you work for someone else, not work for or worry about yourself.
5. Your knowledge should be used not just to better yourself. It’s normal to manipulate the system — but manipulate it to better your employer too.
6. Say yes as often as you can. If you really don’t agree, you can say, “Yes, but…” Be positive and affirming even if it’s not your nature.
7. Never allow yourself to become too comfortable or blasé or you may end up boring yourself right out of a job.
8. Talking bad about others always comes back to slap you in the face and may cost you more then just embarrassment.
9. Act like you’re at work — not at a café. I know you’ve been employed there for years, but get to work.
10. Lastly, be respectful to your bosses, other employees and to your customers. Be all about the solutions not the problems.
Don’t let your answers go unanswered!
— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama and now performs globally.
<
