Q-Notes Online

	Tell Trinity
	trinity@telltrinity.com www.telltrinity.com

The true confessions of a bottom

Dear Trinity,
After eight years my boyfriend and I get along in every way except sexually. See, I’m not a bottom, yet 100 percent of the time he only wants to top me. So, I’ve been “taking it” for eight years with nothing in return. Basically, I’m married to my hand. And complaining about it only makes him horny. Help.
Bottomed Out, San Diego, Calif.

Dear Bottomed Out,
It’s hard to teach an old relationship new tricks — unless you start tricking him. So lets try offering him a (before bed) back (and butt) massage. Which begins with you dressed in thin silky shorts, massaging him for eight to 12 minutes before adding some hugs and kisses to his neck, ears and butt. Then slowly start jumping — I mean humping him — while massaging him. If he likes the massage he may let you get away with some between the cheeks action. Otherwise, honey, after eight years of pillow biting it’s time to either accept it, find a part-time playmate or find a full-time new mate who has your pleasures on his mind not just on your behind.

Dear Trinity,
I work in a bar, have been single for most of my 35 years and now I am dating someone who wants monogamy. But monogamy for me is new. What do I do?
Monoaga-Me? Dallas, Texas

Dear Monoaga-Me?,
Depending on your upbringing and sexual history, monogamy is easy for some and torturous for the rest of us. However, if you stick with it you will find that the lessons of self-respectful often surpass the pleasures of cheating. Monogamy has two rules: look don’t touch and take it one day at a time. Some succeed, some fail and everyone else, pumpkin, just shuts their mouth about their mistakes, (hint, hint).

Hey Trinity,
Three weeks ago I got dumped. Now I’m starting to see a few guys. Is it wrong to “rebound” [date right after a breakup] so fast?
Back In Action, Montreal, Quebec

Hey Back In Action,
Soon after a breakup it’s actually healthy to get right back into the ring of”rebound” dating (think rebounding off ropes in a boxing ring). When one is dumped it’s best to suffer for no more than two weeks then, let the games re-begin.

Hello Trinity,
I met someone special from another state. Any tips on long distance relationships?
Far From Heaven, Chicago, Ill.

Hello Far From Heaven,
Long distance relationships have their troubles, but if you really must try it then start by reading:

Trinity’s Positive Tips For Long Distance Relationships

1. You’ll not only have someone special to spend time with but you’ll also have your own privae time too.

2. You’ll be able to keep your own place as clean as you like until she or he comes to mess it up.

3. You’ll have all week long to do anything you like when he or she is gone. Couples who live together don’t have this.

4. You’ll have more romantic dates together as well as honeymoon styled weekends, which also wouldn’t be the case if you lived together.

5. You’ll never get tired of seeing each other since it’s not everyday.

6. You’ll always be going on some sort of trip or vacation together, especially if you meet in different exotic places.

7. You won’t have to groom, shower, wash your hair or brush your teeth as often since no one will see or smell you as often.

8. You won’t have to answer to, be responsible for or pick up after someone on a daily basis. (Hey this doesn’t sound so bad.)

9. You’ll rarely have to fight over decor, TV shows, radio stations, houseguests or lighting. (Hey this really sounds great!)

10. Lastly, you’ll be able to learn about your own self-righteousness, self-esteem and self-control. (Well, maybe that’s taking it a bit too far.)

Don’t let your answers go unanswered!
— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama and now performs globally.

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