Dear
Trinity,
I consider myself a strict top, but recently had an encounter with a
butt plug. Ever since then I’ve been upgrading the sizes. I enjoy
the pressure that it applies, but I was wondering if this activity makes
me a bottom? Bottom Blues, Roanoke, Va.
Dear Bottom Blues,
I hope you’re sitting down — well, leaning over. The truth
is yes, pumpkin, shoving…I mean smartly placing pleasure toys into
your butt; stimulating your prostate and receiving pleasure down there
is the exact definition of a “bottom.” Welcome to Kansas, Dorothy!
But if you also like fudge packing (oh god, I didn’t just say that!),
I mean “topping,” then you simply have become a healthy, smart
and openminded “versatile” man.
Dearest Trinity,
I’m a great partner. I come home early, do all the bills, even cook
great meals, but we don’t have sex anymore. After nine months, what
am I doing wrong?
Domestically Sexless, Omaha, Neb.
Dearest Domestic,
Newsflash: Being domestic has nothing to do with sexual enticement. It
makes for a great lifestyle but not a great love life. Watching you do
chores is un-sexually stimulating. Honey, why not start cleaning, cooking
and paying bills in something more sexy, more alluring, more naughty. Think
undergarments, uniforms and more. Think turning your home into a XXX movie.
Think vavoom!
Hey
Trinity,
I went to the bar, sat next to a really cute guy and spent hours talking.
He was great until he got up to leave. It was then that I discovered he
was handicapped. Now I’ve committed to a date and I’m not sure
if I want to. Am I evil?
Handicapped Man, Indianapolis, Ind.
Hey Handicapped,
In life we make choices, no different than if you found out he had a huge
pecker, was a millionaire or only spoke French. Babe, if you’re not
into him because of whatever then you’re not into him, period. But
maybe, just maybe, you could go out with him not because you feel bad for
him, but because you feel bad for your own unadventurous, narrowminded
ways. He may end up a French millionaire with a huge pecker — or
is that my fantasy?
Dearest
Trinity,
I fell in love, but she lives 1,500 miles away. Any tips?
1,500 Miles Apart, Memphis, Tenn.
Dearest 1,500 Miles Apart,
Sure I have tips, but you may not want to read them. Sweetie, relationships
are tough enough, but 1,500 miles of…well, start
reading:
Trinity’s
Negative Tips For Being In A Long Distance Relationship
1.
You’ll always wonder what it’s like to live with someone,
wake up with someone or have someone’s daily kisses.
2. You’ll know way too much boredom, way too much loneliness and
far too much private time for someone who is “supposedly” in
a relationship.
3. You’ll never truly know multiple nights, weeks and months of being
part of a “team,” a “romantic couple” or part of
a “home.”
4. You’ll always miss those fun/silly/simple nights together.
5. And you’ll never be able to keep an eye on him, her or each other
so anything at anytime can happen. (Don’t cry yet, there’s
more.)
6. Most of your personal and relationship issues will be dealt with over
the phone or the internet.
7. One of you will always be leaving, thus never really having that “perfect” family.
8. You may also at times feel like why bother dressing sexy, cooking a
nice meal or playing romantic music when you’re living alone.
9. And you’re left on your own (once again) to completely take care
of everything that needs fixing or to be paid for. (Don’t blame me,
I’m just writing this stuff!)
10. Lastly, you’ll always be wondering, “Why in God’s
name do I always feel single even though I’m not?” (Now you
can cry!)
Don’t let your answers go unanswered!
— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama and now performs globally.
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