Dear Trinity,
My lover and I recently purchased a computer. Now he spends all his free time on the internet, chatting. However, many moons ago we separated due to his infidelity with meeting people on the ’net, which is also how we met. He promised that I would be his last chat, but it’s not the case. Help!
Lost in Cyberspace, Charlotte, N.C.
Dear Lost,
When your lover’s an alcoholic, you must choose to keep your booze outside the house. Similarly, when you’re lover is an internet chatroom addict, you must also choose to keep your internet connection outside the house as well, because, honey, when the one you love has a problem that threatens your relationship you do not have a choice. So, a) pull the plug on the damn thing; b) move the internet to your office; or c) start packing. Having an internet connection and him will obviously never be a choice you get to make.
Dear Trinity,
I saw you in Montreal where you talked about going to Campus and Stock Bar, two of the all male lap-dancing clubs. Don’t you think showing your face in those places is advocating immorality?
Moral-boro Man, Montreal, Canada
Dear Moral-boro Man,
I’d love to say that the sex industry is evil and naughty, but I truly believe the opposite. In the heart of what appears to be evil, sweetie, there is often good. And both those clubs made me feel oh-so-good.
Hey Trinity,
I dated a guy for three months when I lived in California. We dated up until I left. Unfortunately, before we met I already had plans to move back East. So I did. Recently, he visited and begged me to move back. Even though I really love him, I just started a new job and I’m all settled in. Any advice?
Stay Or Go, Provincetown, Mass.
Hey Stay Or Go,
Since you’re already settled in, I’m afraid there’s just one respectable thing to do, quit and move back. Pumpkin, life’s too short to waste it. Unless your salary can fly both of you back and forth for a while you must follow your intuition. And if it says go, well then have an adventurous life and don’t look back. Did you know that Queen Elizabeth’s uncle gave up the throne to marry a commoner, which his how Elizabeth became the queen.
Hello Trinity,
Every time I have a one-night stand I end up in some sort of complicated situation rather than just having a good time. Why me?
One Night Stand-Off, Rehoboth Beach, Del.
Hello Stand-Off,
Before going home with a stranger you must ask certain key questions and listen for certain key answers such as in:
Trinity’s Pinnacle Questions To Ask A One-Night Stand Before Going Home With Him Or Her
Note: everything in parentheses is implied not said! 1. Do I stay the night (or are you hiring a driver to take me home)? 2. Is your house clean? (Do you have a housekeeper and staff?) 3. Do you have pets (that shed)? And if so, do you (and I have to) sleep with them? 4. Do you have to work early (at a well-paying job) tomorrow? 5. Where do you live (not the name, but a private home, condo or ranch-style estate)? 6. Do you plan on feeding me (a buffet breakfast) in the morning? 7. Is there parking (with security)? 8. Do you snore (like an animal)?
9. Do you have protection (that includes insurance — home, health and theft)? 10. Lastly, what’s your last name (just in case you’re a distant relative)?
Don’t let your answers go unanswered!
— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama and now performs globally.
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