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This
is such a hectic, crazy time of year. Most of us were already plenty
busy, but the extra demands of the holiday season make us even busier.
I’m concerned that some among us will be too distracted to think
deeply about the implications of a new year. So I volunteer to do their
thinking for them and to sculpt suitable New Year’s resolutions.
For my selfless service the following public figures don’t need to
thank me. I’m just glad I could help.
Mary Cheney: I resolve to hold my partner’s hand in front of cameras.
Even if I have to pretend I’m just helping her up.
Vice President Dick Cheney: I resolve to direct government scientists
to develop an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter’s. That’ll
solve the Mary problem.
President George Bush: I resolve to learn what “resolve” means.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I resolve to regain my popularity.
Maybe I’ll invade Arizona.
Former California Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham: Having
been outed two years ago and having recently pleaded guilty to taking bribes,
I resolve to attempt to be an honest person. I’ll try anything
once.
Assorted U.S. Senators: We resolve to protect marriage from those who
would harm it. Just don’t ask us how many times we’ve been
married.
Pope Benedict XVI: I resolve to continue blaming gays for the pedophile
scandal, and while I’m at it, I’ll try blaming them for any
tainted shipments of holy water, too.
Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams: I resolve to ask God why He sent
me this plague in the form of a mousy American poofta named Gene Robinson.
Leaders of mainstream Protestant denominations in this country: We resolve
to keep claiming gays are welcome. Even though what we mean is they’re
welcome not to be gays.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I resolve to carry on messing
with western minds. Do I really mean the Holocaust never happened and
Israel
should be moved to Europe or Alaska? Are we murdering gay men here in
Iran? They’ll never know and I’ve never had such fun.
The Polish authorities: We resolve that mermaids will govern Gdansk before
we freely allow a gay Pride march anywhere in this nation.
Liza Minnelli: I resolve not to marry another gay man in 2006. However,
all bets are off in 2007.
Ellen DeGeneres: I resolve to change…nothing. I’m no fool.
George “Mr. Sulu” Takei: Now that I’ve come out, I resolve
to urge other closeted actors to do the same, to boldly go where quite
a few men have gone before. Ha, I love it when I can steal one of Shatner’s
lines.
Buster, the cartoon rabbit of PBS’s “Postcards from Buster:” Last
year the secretary of education got so angry at me when I visited those
nice lesbian maple-sugarers in Vermont. This year I resolve to visit
drag queens in Provincetown.
Ford Motor Co. executives: We resolve to disappoint the American Family
Association and support the LGBT community. Or was it the other way
around?
Head of the Human Rights Campaign Joe Solmonese: I resolve to work
as hard as humanly possible in the hope that the 2006 elections will
go
our way — so
I won’t be served for brunch like my predecessor.
Tennis star Martina Navratilova: I resolve to win Grand Slam doubles
matches in 2006. And 2007, and 2008, and…
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