How
about that shouting match between Sens. Arlen Specter and Russ Feingold
during the Judiciary Committee hearing on May 18? The committee voted
to send the nauseating constitutional amendment banning same-sex nuptials
to the full Senate, but that news was practically eclipsed by the testy
exchange between the Pennsylvania Republican and Wisconsin Democrat.
I suspect the two men had a lot more to say to each other than they actually
did, so I’ll help them out by putting words in their mouths during
the private meeting they should have had:
Feingold begins by saying, “Arlen, your decision to hold this committee
meeting here, where the general public can’t see us, sucks.”
“That’s Mr. Chairman to you, junior, and you know where we hold the
hearing won’t change any votes. Everybody’s voting with their party
today. Signed, sealed, delivered.”
“I’m yours,” sings Feingold.
“What?” snaps Specter. “Oh, that’s a song. I thought
you were coming on to me.”
“Arlen, when it gets to the full Senate, you’re going to vote against
this ridiculous amendment. Why even let it out of committee? So you can do your
duty to your party and then vote your conscience?”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Specter giggles. “Aren’t I just the
embodiment of a moderate Republican? Better be nice to me — you can never
tell which way I’m gonna go.”
Feingold grunts. “This thing will die in the Senate. But Frist insists
on regurgitating it all the same. So fear of gay marriage will bring out conservative
voters again. Believe it or not, it genuinely bothers me that people are being
used this way.”
“Which people? Gays, conservative voters or we senators?”
“Still firing on all cylinders I see, despite that bout with cancer.”
Specter’s eyes turn benevolent. “Son, man to man, senator to senator,
Jew to Jew, I want you to know…you bother me.”
“I believe I can live with that, Senator.”
“All this self-righteousness about the amendment. All this blather about
protecting the Constitution. You’re posturing for the nomination. You’ve
got your eyes on the prize, buddy boy, and we all know it.”
Feingold grins evilly. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Please. You came out. You told the home folks that you support same-sex
marriage. You’re trying to get every gay vote from the Atlantic to the
Pacific.”
Feingold sings, “From sea to shining sea!”
“Enough! I don’t get it. How can anybody win as a liberal in this
day and age? A Democrat has to be a centrist, like Clinton. Oh, silly me, you’re
not a liberal, you’re a ‘maverick.’ A Democrat who believes
in gay marriage but prizes fiscal responsibility and battles alongside McCain
for campaign finance reform.”
Feingold snickers. “I’m as confusing as a moderate Republican.”
Specter ignores him. “But it won’t work. No way. Doesn’t matter
if you stir the grassroots into a wildfire. You, sir, have been divorced twice.
You don’t have a prayer of being president.”
“You know all about failing at a presidential run. How long did your campaign
last in ‘96, a nanosecond? Ooh, don’t get mad now, ‘Snarlin’ Arlen.’ I
might have to let Time know they chose badly, naming you one of the best senators.”
Specter straightens his tie. “If you’re foolish or egotistical enough
to run, you’re going to land in a giant cow pie. Is that image Wisconsin-y
enough for you?”
“Here’s my answer.” Feingold makes a rude gesture. “Is
that image Pennsylvanian enough for you?”
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